Welcome Back Monologue

It’s been 7 years since my last post. 7 years… a baby born 7 years ago is now in Standard 1. A 20-year old teenage girl must have been married and is probably a parent now. A 70-year old grandfather might have been long gone. And myself 7 years ago is not the same me eventhough some things remain the same.

-          Sigh     -

As I went through all my previous posts, I could sense some happiness mixed with some sadness and awe.  Oh the young-emotionally-unstable-crazy-me. Guess everybody goes through that phase eh.

There were things I’ve totally forgotten about and I’m glad that I actually wrote it here. I have forgotten the details of the passing of my beloved father. 22 years have passed since his passing. He now has 7 grandchildren with another one arriving this coming November. As time goes by, little by little the pain of losing him, the hole that was there when he’s gone is slowly healed and filled with joy as our family grows bigger. Rasa bersalah. I guess that’s life. Once you’re gone, only the closest ones remembers you. Itupun lama-kelamaan, akan dilupakan. I’m sorry abah. But you’re always in my prayer.

I was driving home yesterday when I suddenly feel that I’m ok if I die now. I feel like I’m ready to go. That my family will be ok without me. No, I’m not suicidal, just some random thoughts.

Life has been both good and bad. Good in a way that I can afford some luxury. And as usual, bad in personal life. Some things are not as easy as I thought they would be. How I wish doraemon door is real so I could turn back time and change things.

******

3

If i were an animal, what would i be?
A bird.

I wanna fly like a bird.
No destination. Just fly to where ever i wanna be.

Far from everybody.
Just me. And the world.

*smile*

13 Going On 30

Macam tajuk movie tu jek kan. Alaa... yang Jennifer Garner berlakon tu.

Entry ni bukan pasal movie 13 Going On 30. Tak langsung. Entry ni sebenarnya tentang persahabatan aku dengan rakan-rakan sekolah menengah. Persahabatan kami yang bermula di kala usia kami semua menjangkau 13 tahun. Diam tak diam tahun ni menandakan 17 tahun kami bersahabat. Which means...kami semua dah memasuki 3-series. *big smile here* Alhamdulillah. Syukur padaMu Allah, dengan izinMu Kau benarkan kami bernafas di bumi ini .

13 tahun...bila aku ingat-ingat balik, semua naif. Yelah, semua muda-muda lagi. Ada yang tak baligh lagi masa tu. Macam-macam perangai kami. Senyum sorang-sorang bila terkenangkan semua tu. Di kala umur aku 14 tahun, ayah meninggal. Sahabat-sahabat aku ni lah yang datang, yang kasi semangat pada aku untuk aku terus berjaya dalam hidup.

17 tahun kemudian, ada yang dah kahwin, dah beranak pinak. Ada yang masih bujang, macam aku ni. Ada yang sambung Phd. Ada yang tengah tunggu sambung Phd. Ada yang jadi kuli batak, bergelar jurutera kat sebuah company yang konon-konon besar tapi gaji ciput (akulah tu). Well, tu semua rezeki masing-masing. Bahagian masing-masing. Kalau sekarang belum bertemu kebahagiaan, insyaAllah kebahagiaan tu akan menjelma jugak satu hari nanti. Dengan izin Allah. Percayalah. 

Lebih kurang 2 minggu lepas, ibu kepada salah seorang sahabat aku meninggal. Orang kata, atas sesuatu kejadian tu, terselindung hikmah disebaliknya. Bila arwah ibu beliau meninggal, persahabatan dengan kawan-kawan yang sudah bertahun-tahun tak berhubung akhirnya bertautan kembali. Maha Besar Allah. Dia ambil sesuatu dari kita, Dia kasi sesuatu yang lain pula. Tadi aku berkesempatan untuk berborak dengan sahabat aku tu. Sungguh aku tak sangka, betapa kuatnya persahabatan kami, aku sendiri tak sedar aku menangis bila beliau ceritakan kisahnya. Aku dapat rasakan kesedihannya. 

Ya Allah, 17 tahun telah berlalu. Tambahkanlah lagi usia kami dan teguhkanlah persahabatan kami untuk 17 tahun lagi dan lagi dan lagi. Amiin...

Sahabat-sahabatku, aku sayang kamu.

Saya Mimpi Sebuah Mimpi

This isn't just any song. This is what I feel now. Dear Allah, please give me strength and help me in making the right decision. My future is in your hand. P

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

Ini entry rindu. I dreamt of UK last night. I was there and it was snowing and I had a great time playing with snow. The dream seemed real cus in it, I kind of remember that it's almost December and it's quite early for UK especially Norwich to snow at this time. When I woke up, I can only think of Norwich and UK and how good it is to be there. 

I miss getting on the flight. I miss the long hour flight. I miss the transit. I miss the airport. I miss the on-flight foods. I miss UK. I miss Norwich. I miss the cold weather. I miss the casual rainy days. I miss the apartment. I miss  the biryani rice from the restaurant across the street. I miss the people. I miss the feeling of safety while walking around the foreign streets in UK. I miss winter. I miss the frozen lakes and the rivers and how I always love walking on the ice in an attempt to break it. I miss snow. I miss going to perfume kiosk of Debenhams Norwich and just spent hours there sniffing at all perfumes. Over and over and over till the shop closed. I miss going to M&S to shop for foods. I miss going into luxury boutiques without that can-you-afford-it?-look. I miss the sincerity of British people especially when I shop. They smile at you nicely. I miss Lotus. I miss the routes from the apartment to Lotus. I miss the sceneries. I miss the river in Norwich. I miss getting myself a cup of coffe from Starbucks and enjoyed it in the cold weather. I miss the ducks at Lotus. I miss spring. I miss Sakura. I miss Wales. God..I miss everything about UK. Rindunya...

But it's hard to share this feeling with other people. Ada orang yang akan salah sangka and bam...i will be regarded as..hmmm...no exact words to say it. Pathetic.

24112012: 12.20am

AlFatihah buatmu Mohd Aliff Rosli. Ya Allah, ampunkanlah segala dosanya. Rahmatilah rohnya. Tempatkannya di kalangan insan-insan yang Kau sayangi. Amiin...

_________________________________________________________________________________

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya setiap yang hidup pasti akan mati. Life is too short. Semalam kita tengok org tu elok jek. Sedar2 esok dah takde. 

Semalam aku mimpi mak hilang. Puas aku cari mak tapi tak jumpa-jumpa. Real sungguh mimpi tu. Bila sedar jek, aku mengucap panjang. Aku tak mampu lagi hidup tanpa mak. Aku jarang balik rumah. Kol mak pun jarang tapi sungguh, aku masih belum bersedia untuk kehilangannya. Sedangkan abah takde pun sampai sekarang aku masih sedih, ni kan pulak mak.

People always take life for granted. Me included. We, humans, never realize how important things or people are, until they're gone. Pathetic. Isn't it?

Abah, 

I miss you. Do wait for me. I can't wait to see you. May Allah grant my prayer. Aamiin.

I know dreams are BS but I'm still hoping you would come in my dreams. All of us, together. Doing our usual weekend activity, sightseeing or going to the beach. Now I know why I love beaches & sightseeing. It's because of you.

Abah,

I'm sorry I didn't visit you during raya this year. But you're always in my thoughts & prayers. I promise to visit you when I'm back in Kuantan. I will spend some time talking to you. Please be patience.

Abah,

I went to your kampung when I was on my way back to Kuantan during Ramadhan. I stopped the car a few meters from your mom's house. Gosh. I felt like you were sitting next to me. I felt like I'm flying back into times when we used to spend our raya there. I felt weird cus after 14 years, I'm at your kampung. Your birth place. 

Abah,

I have some good news. You already have 2 grandchildren. A boy named Muhammad Naim Aziz & a girl named Nur Fatimah Syuhada. Both of them are Khairul's. They are sooooo adorable. Naim is 3 years old now and getting smarter & more handsome each day. Fatimah (i know, that's fav name) just learned to walk. They both really reminds me of Khairul & I. Love to fight. Mak has slowly introduced you to them. I guess Mak is missing you too. Oh, and another news is I'm engaged! I'm getting married in 8 months time :)  How I wish you're here, and become the tok kadi. 

Abah, 

15 years have passed since your death but guess what. Talking about you, your death and our memories still bring tears to my eyes. Time does heal everything but when it comes to you, it doesn't heal. And I think it won't. 

Abah,

I wish I have your strong spirit and your personality. The only thing that I inherited from you is your body. Kurus kering ^_^

Gosh, it's late. I have to go. Time to sleep. I won't forget my promise to visit you...and please, come and visit me too.

ILOVEUALWAYS

Al-fatihah...